The other day I was relaying my experience with my workout and a friend (whom I haven't met yet) described it as "beautifully wrecked". I've been thinking about that. What does that mean to me? So yesterday while doing my workout on the spin bike again, I got it! My picture may show me smiling, but just moments before that I was choking back tears. There were several of those moments for different reasons, but the one reason that gave me that light bulb moment was when I wanted to give up because my legs were tired and it was painful. I cried out to God, "It hurts God, I can't do this, I need to stop. Give me your strength, show me what I need to know." And BAM, I'm powering through the pain! I make it past it! During my struggle to push through God reminded me of the pain I've already come through. The difference is, it was emotional pain. I look back now and wonder how I ever made it. At least 3 years out of the last 5 were pure hell! I remember wondering if people could see on the outside what I felt on the inside. I felt and could see in my mind, my body being contorted and twisted. I could see me pulling my hair out and ripping my clothes! That's how much emotional and spiritual pain I felt. It was a war for my soul! Satan wanted what did not belong to him. Previous to this time I was always at the gym working out and taking care of myself. I loved who I was, but then something happened. The enemy broke in on my race and I stumbled and fell. My body and mind became worn. Oh how satan sifted me. But God's grace lifted me! I didn't think He could, I didn't think I could. On the other side of the emotional struggle came the physical struggle. A diagnosis with Epstein Barr about did me in. I became bed ridden and fevered for almost 3 months. My muscles hurt to the point that standing or sitting became painful. It took me a year to recover and gain some strength back. During my dark time my body became my idol. And now I couldn't make it move. Fast forward to this last year, my knees and hips went down. Again to the point that I couldn't sleep because of pain, walking was hard and painful, getting on and off the toilet was serious, and even times my husband had to help me walk. No working out for me! I have slowly worked my way back to the gym. I became so discouraged that I didn't even take care of the parts that I could actually move. That was a huge mistake. It only added to my painful recovery. I don't need the perfect body or the biggest muscles, but I do need to be able to move. God has work for me to do! So, with therapy and time I have progressed a great deal in the last six months even tho there are still times of great pain and other times none. I'll be honest and tell you that I have thought many times that I'd rather go through emotional pain because I know now that I can handle it now. I became afraid of physical pain. That's never been my problem. As I sat on that bike pushing past the pain I realized, "You have got to overcome this stronghold with pain because the enemy cannot win!" Jesus did it on the cross and so can I! I was being beautifully wrecked in my pain, sweat, tears and moans and groans and probably winey baby faces! Lol! I have learned to hate the gym, hate to work out because I knew it would hurt in more than one way! That's so crazy! One big excuse after another! I used to love the pain and soreness! Now the thought of it will keep me sitting at home making excuses. I have always loved to run and even that was taken from me. I would do it anyway just because it made me mad and then of course I suffer in pain afterwards! Does that even make sense? Running was my stress relief. It made me feel strong and powerful! Hmmm, in who's power? In who's strength? I've prayed "Lord, why? Show me what I need to learn here. How can I get stress relief if I can't even do cardio because my knees can't hold up?" He said, "find another way." Truth is I just needed to stop. Be still. But I couldn't. I needed to quit making excuses and be all that I would ask a client to be. Be what you want others to be. How can I show you and teach you to push through if I'm not willing to do it myself?
I have always been a runner emotionally too! I feel like I've finally conquered that, but now it's down to, will I persevere in physical pain in order to strengthen my body so that I can go where the Lord sends me next? Will I go forth believing in his healing? It is in His strength that I am pushing forward, and it's His healing I am believing in. So, it is in God's strength that I can do anything. It is my pain, be it emotional or physical that makes me #boldinthesoul. And oh how good it feels in the end when the nausea passes and the muscles relax and become weak from exhaustion. But mostly, it feels good knowing I did it and I didn't have to do it alone! My workouts are my time to press in to Jesus! I workout my soul while I workout my body! If I wait and rely on myself and the desire or strength to get up and move and push past my own ability, I will never move! Without Jesus, I am nothing! With Him, I am #boldinthesoul! Lord, keep showing up in my pain! Keep me bold so that I can be used by you to help strengthen others and lead them to freedom in you!
Beauti is found when you are fully wrecked! Be beautifully wrecked in Jesus!
Stephanie Goode ©
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