So, today was a very emotional day! This morning I threw my big, ceramic hair brush at the wall-dented the wall, then I threw my smaller brush at the wall-bounced off, and as if that wasn't enough I slammed my hair dryer on the floor! Broke the hair dryer! Ba-bliss, not a cheap dryer I might add! Now why on earth would I do such a thing? I was angry! Now I'm not known for throwing things, ok well maybe sometimes. Slamming doors? For sure! Obviously I have some anger issues to work on. I'm not loving that idea because anger is my go to when I am hurting. Not a healthy choice, but a choice none the less. I'm sure my husband was keeping both eyes open so he could duck & run if something came flying his way & all the noise caused my oldest son to come running wandering what was wrong! Jeez! & all this before work at 9:30 am, which I was running late for by the way!
I finally make it to work & I'm still madder than an ole hornet but I work really hard to put on that smile that says "I don't have a problem except for my problem, which I'm not gonna tell you about so don't ask. Just let me pretend! OK?" How are you? "Oh I'm fine, doing good, doing good! Just little rushed! How bout you?"
I work in the public so it's very important that I put on my happy face & my nice voice! That is absolutely the last thing I wanted to do today! I needed to be sweet & train a new worker this morning & all I could think of was "how am I gonna fake this when I am feeling so low?" Can I just tell you that really during all this I felt so alone, empty, & sad! This is not a hole that any human can feel. I knew I needed some Jesus time or I was not gonna make it! I wanted Jesus! Before I got my time though I found out that the other day someone felt that I was judging them! Wow! Blew my mind! I have no room for judging anyone much less someone I don't even know! I was just having a bad day & I guess I didn't do such a great job with that smile I put on. Ok, so that made me more angry! At myself mostly!
Finally, some Jesus time! Not much but enough to get me through the rest of the day. After getting home I fell asleep trying to get caught up on some reading & was now running late for the 1st of two ballgames tonight. I broke down! I so needed to hear from God! I began to pray & plead with God to help me! I even said to Him, "I know you love me, but it sure doesn't feel like it right now!" Really I didn't want to go to the games, my heart wanted to be home alone with God! Catching up! Of course that made me feel guilty so I just had to ask God if it was ok & you no what he told me? He said, "listen to your heart." I said, " are you sure God cuz my hearts telling me to stay home?" Again he softly whispered, "listen to your heart." So, I did & I cried out to Him even more! Ladies, a word to you, it is ok to miss sometimes! Especially when our busy lives take away from time with our Heavenly Father! You are better for your family when you miss out on a game or two & take care of you! Physically, mentally & spiritually!
I wasn't sure what to do next so I asked Him, "What do I do? What should I read?" He said, "The book." "What book? The Bible?" " No," I heard Him say, "The book" The book was "The Confident Heart". I was behind in my study of this book & God knew just what I needed & it was found in that book. Couldn't have been more perfect! I began to read about God's love & what He wants to do for me! He wants to take all my hurts, anger, disappointment, distrust, fear & replace it with hope for a future that he has planned ahead of time for me! A future of dreams fulfilled. To prosper me, not harm or hurt me! Not a future that disappoints me! There is not much I'm sure about in my life, but the one thing I am sure of is God's love for me! His love never fails! It is perfect!
In Isaiah 61:1-4 He spoke to my heart, he announced freedom to me, a captive of anger & unforgiveness. "The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives & release from darkness for the prisoners." I believe this is for me! Read on to vs.2-To proclaim the year of the Lord's favor & the day of vengeance of our God(I like this!), to comfort all who mourn(that would be me), & provide for those who grieve in Zion-(it gets good here), listen. Vs 3 cont. to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning(oh how I long for this) & a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair(yay!). He also says that I, Stephanie, will be called an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. How fabulous is that! God also says in vs 4 that He will rebuild {my} ancient ruins, restore the places long devastated...There is HOPE! I love what Isaiah 51:3 says, The Lord will surely comfort Zion {me} & will look with compassion on all {my} ruins; He will make {my} deserts like Eden, {my} wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy & gladness will be found in {me}, thanksgiving & the sound of singing. Isn't that beautiful & promising? Jeremiah 29:12-14 God promises that when I call upon Him and come & pray to Him, He will listen to me. I will seek Him & find Him when I seek Him with all my heart. 14 "I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." I am still struggling & resisting some things but am looking forward to the day when I am able to fully surrender.
On my way home from the gym tonight the song "It Is Well" came on & I asked myself, "Is it well?" Sadly, my heart answered, "No." I am a work in progress with much to look forward to & I know that my troubles are temporary so that I may be able to comfort others with the same comfort that God has shown to me, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. My hope is in Christ!
My prayer for you & me~Ephesians 1:18-19 I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. that power is like the working of his mighty strength...
Running from captivity, tripping along the way!
Stephanie Goode
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